Health & Fitness
How the Legal Proceedings Against the Fort Hood Mass Murderer Should Have Operated
Judge: You stand accused of the murder of thirteen people and the wounding of thirty others. How do you plead?
Defendant: Proudly guilty, Your Honor.
Judge: What is your defense?
Defendant: I have no defense, Your Honor, nor do I wish to pursue any court proceeding or appeal. There is no mystery or unknown motive in my crimes, nothing to be gained from a trial.
Judge: Why did you do it?
Defendant: I switched sides; pledging allegiance to Allah required that I slaughter as many infidels in cold blood as I could. This was my duty.
Judge: Do you recognize how many lives you destroyed?
Defendant: Yes, unlike your culture of life, I revere death and dispense it to those that I hate. I telegraphed signals that I was about to embark on a violent rampage, but you stupid Americans were too intent on political correctness to act on it and to stop me. I knew that would be the case. I used your system of freedom and the American tenet of welcoming the foreign-born resident against you.
Judge: There is no need to spend millions more dollars on you. I hereby sentence you to death, the only just punishment for someone so consumed with evil. Executioner, take him away. Sentence shall be imposed without delay.
Defendant: Thank you, Your Honor. Allahu Akbar!