The Speech That Virtually Every Election Victor Should Offer, But Which They Will Not Deliver:
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generous support.
I have a heavy heart as I claim victory because I and others in my name engaged in a pattern of dishonor and deceit throughout this ugly campaign. I attempted to denigrate my opponent, many of my ads serving only to tell you why you should not vote for him (or her), rather than why you should cast your ballot for me. Unfair spots that were not placed by my campaign were produced by my party and outside organizations. I did not ever lift a finger to protest the underhanded tactics that were undertaken in my name.
I stretched the truth until it almost broke, and I made my attacks personal and hateful. Fairness and accuracy were casualties in this process. I attempted to insult the intelligent voter. I relied on making my pitch to those who are naïve and ill-informed, hoping that a meaningless sound bite could cause the majority of the electorate to be so horrified by the prospect of my opponent winning that votes would be cast for me.
I did not act with the integrity and character that I wanted you to believe I possess. I let you down and I let down myself and my family.
I do not know how to wipe away the stain from this election, which my supporters and I have inflicted, and I would not blame anyone that would be unforgiving that I am coming into office with a cloud hanging over me, having unjustly and unjustifiably winning this race. I can only try to mend fences, hoping to merit your trust from this point forward. I ask your forgiveness and that of God.