For Better or Worse: Making Your Marriage Survive Parenthood

According to the song, love and marriage should go together like a horse and carriage. The song doesn’t account for kids, because if it did, it would mention something about the carriage ride being somewhat bumpy at times, especially on a marriage.

“Kids can add a number of stresses to a marriage,” said Brittany Edge, licensed marriage and family therapist. “The addition of a child is a major transition for couples, and often times, it is not navigated well. Kids can add financial strain and time constraints to a family, and they absolutely add to the number of activities the family participates in.”

A major change such as the addition of a child can add enough stress to interfere with everyday functioning, according to Edge.

So how can couples deal with this stress?

“It is important for couples to make their relationship a priority and to not let the relationship be taken over by all of the demands of parenting,” Edge explained. “Couples should try to arrange daily, or weekly, check-ins with their spouse, to plan date nights, and to maintain some space that is just for them. These kinds of efforts can help spouses feel more connected and supported by each other.”

According to Edge, couples should spend time communicating with each other by talking about their relationship, how they feel about their parenting skills, what they would like to change or remain the same.

“Prioritizing this type of communication is especially hard, but without it, many parents get lost in just the ins and outs of parenting. Before they know it, their kids are in college, and they do not recognize the person they married," Edge said.

Individually, parents can cope with the stress they feel by practicing stress management techniques and taking care of themselves, according to Edge. “Self-care is one of the most important things parents can do for themselves and for their children and spouse. “

Edge explained a number of stress management techniques, including:

• Practice laughing regularly. Watch comedies, spend time with friends, etc.
• Take responsibility for your stress and take action to reduce it.
• Do not take everything personally. Children grow out of behaviors almost as quickly as they grow out of clothes. Remind yourself that “this, too, shall pass,” and “it is just a stage.”
• Take shorter, but more frequent, vacations. Vacations could be trips to the beach, a day at the spa, a manicure or just sitting outside reading a book.
• Take time out of the day to discover and enjoy simple joys and pleasures of life. Slow down so you have a chance to enjoy what you are doing.
• Practice relaxation by taking breaks, deep breaths and meditation.
• Maintain good physical health.
• Get plenty of rest.
• Avoid rigid thinking and expectations.
• Practice patience and understanding

“To cope with the stress you may be already feeling, engage in activities from which you can find relief,” Edge said. “These may include journaling, talking with friends, praying, crying, exercising, listening to music and deep breathing.”

It is important to deal with stress as it occurs, as children are like sponges, and will pick up on a parent’s stress, Edge explained. A child who is experiencing and dealing with a parent’s stress may express himself in a number of ways, including temper tantrums, sleep difficulties and behavioral and emotional problems.

“The best way to keep this from occurring is to practice stress management skills, making it clear that the stressful issues have nothing to do with the child, and communicating love to the child so that they do not take it personally,” Edge advised. “Sometimes during highly stressful times, a child can take on caretaking behaviors that are not usually developmentally appropriate.”

To ease the amount of stress felt on any given day, spend family time together doing activities that everyone enjoys, according to Edge. Go to church together, eat meals together and try to make sure that each parent gets an ample amount of individual time with each child.

“It also is helpful for parents to talk with other parents about the stress of parenting,” Edge said. “We still operate as if parenting is always full of joy. But some days seem to consist only of dirty diapers and cleaning up after the kids, which is not joyful for many of us. The reality of parenting needs to be acknowledged, and parents should not feel like they are bad parents if they do not like each second that they spend with their child. Parents should give themselves permission to take a break every once in a while.”